Expired.

The appealing look of this male gave me awareness of his existence. We were both aware from a distance. Soon distance became quite a visible sight & we began to acquire depth of knowledge through conversations.

All this was quite fascinating to me because there was a long period of "drought" in my life. There was no one to engage with & have a full packaged conversation, experiencing the aftermath of fortification. It was the exchange of relevant information that captured my mind. He could listen to me rumble for hours on my thoughts on the world, life...everything.

Books I took from him & books he took from me.

Communicating with this specific someone became a daily routine & we never became weary.

The more words were exchanged the more I became aware of how his ego was bigger than his brain. Ego was practically oozing out of his every word, gesture... his whole entire existence. Naturally, I was intrigued. A sad fact came into light too, yes he was intelligent, he read, proper conjugating of sentences... all of that.

But it's one thing to know a lot & another to actively express all you know in your life style.

I ignored that little blotch. (I shouldn't have).

I was totally focused on his ego. Captivated I was.

A hunter is always pleased when a specific prey is caught. Conquering is a hunter's job. No matter how dangerous the prey might be. Conquering unexpectedly is what I do. Out of nowhere I'm in your system no match for any of your blood cells. Every word of mine you consume you cannot forget. The lust leads my prey right to the spot marked "X".

It happened.

No denying the physical attraction that lingered.

Did he satisfy your lustful needs?

No.

I was not moved. I was not excited. I was basically disgusted.

This when I move to the issue of; nigga's talking the talk but not performing according to their verbal declarations.

From his enormous sized ego I thought he would surprise me. Surprise my body. Fascinate me with ridiculous passion.

His little ass penis just popped my balloon of hope. I don't judge his penis but his game. Lame is an understatement.

I wouldn't be particularly hush if his soul wasn't just fed with ego.

Suddenly, that little blotch I ignored? Caused me to be excessively irritable.

I had plans for him. A slave I was willing to assign him to be.

Failure oozed everywhere.

I R.I.P'D him.

Evaluation proved that there was nothing to lose.

It was sad to realize he lived on the praises hoes offered him. He was content. It's really sad.

Deep down I know he knows the truth but for most, the truth is hard to embrace so you choose the easier road; Deception. You master in the art of delusional living.

Do you ever regret this journey you made?

I guess not. Everything happens for a particular reason.

It was quite weird how I was suddenly involved with him. I was aware of his existence before any interaction so was he of mine.

I'm assuming this was a journey planned by nature. I believe I was some sort of witness. Witnessing how fuckery was dominant in this world we live in.

Something I would someday write on or share.

I'm just glad my children shall be entertained by all these awesome experiences & most importantly, learn more than a thing or two.

Brilliance.

A moment I've always wanted to relive.

Amen.

..."A friend became...Love of my life..."

"The world was younger and we knew

We couldn't rush".

Part II.

“What is sex to you?"

Sex. Sex is sex to me. It's just a basic activity. Nothing more to it.

I feel like most people take sex or put sex on a specific pedestal which is just confusing to me because sex is just ordinary. Sex only becomes more when an individual decides to make it more & that only involves a lot.

People try to have a deeper meaning & understanding of sex & I'm always wondering why such a big deal is made out of something so un peculiar. Why don't you use all that enthusiasm for more important things use all that energy to seek more relevant knowledge & have deeper meanings for deeper subject matters?

Don't be fooled by the doppelganger.

I'm not saying everyone must have sex because it means nothing, I'm saying the opposite. Everyone should calm the fuck down. If you don't want to, that's fine. If you want to, that's fine.

It's your decision but it's not that big of an issue.

For ME, it becomes something more when specific energies are involved. When that happens it's a totally different experience. It's all about the individuals who are involved in this activity.

This could either be "I'm gaining what I want & I'm done" or "I'm gaining much more than what's happening".

I mean sex could mean something to one individual & be totally meaningless to the other. I've had sex which has been basically initiated by lust & I get what I want & I'm chill but the nigga might have different opinions to what happened & this whole process might mean much more to him than it is to me. It's both parties or just one party.

Passion, extraordinary experiences I believe comes from our energies. Clashing of energies could produce something so magnificent. Experience is the only way to assimilate this.

This is what I think, this is what I know. This is my understanding. I base my understanding on my knowledge, experiences & findings.

But this is it though. Find your own understanding; everyone is different in their wants & needs & whole existence. This should be about you & what you figured out not what the system requires you to believe. That just leads to disarray & complete lost of true self.

Yes the system does that to you.

"The best sex ever experienced?"

This took me a while to answer because I've had some pretty good ass sex but I think I'm yet to experience the best sex ever. I know that is going to be with an exceptionally beautiful lover. I'm always envisioning better & more perfection. & when I say "perfection" I mean beautiful flaws creating perfected moments. I don't want everything easy or exactly as I would know it would be. I prefer challenges that have outstanding results.

I've had beautiful sex... beautiful sexual experiences but I'm always hungry for more & my hunger is going to lead me to a world of ridiculously exquisite experiences & it's not going to be just sex anymore it's going to be a story. I'm going to be monuments in lives. I'm established in some lives already. All the best to victims.

So I can't say I've had "the best ever". I'm young! I've so much living & existing to do. So much conquering. I've had brilliant experiences but there's so much more. So much deeper involvements.

Wow. Thoughts of all that would happen, all experiences... all that makes my soul leap in exhilaration. It's intoxicating.

Don't let your soul be consumed in trepidation. Set if free. Be wild. Take chances. Give yourself that faith, reliance...dependence.

I'm the pattern to create nature's superlative design.

Dark Fairytale.

You’ve asked for something I would rather avoid speaking on but in life we are meant to break such darkly painted walls in our lives to allow more space for golden gates, this is about to happen now.

I was young age wise & more importantly mentally. I believed I fell in love with a certain male. This male I met through someone, this male I couldn’t stand. Ego enormous as bare land in a desert. I was in love I told myself. “He’s the one” my immature mind told me. I did have feelings for him, till today I wonder if it was just a long lasting infatuation that crowded my mind to the state that it controlled me, controlled my life. We spoke a lot which got my heart. Though I was mentally shackled, intelligence still tickled my fancy. I was an upcoming monster, I knew what I felt for him but I tried to ignore it till this male hit his own realization & bravely confessed his love for me. It took me a while to accept that & I felt I had to confess the same. I did. We were in a relationship. So exciting it felt to be with someone you are in love with, nothing else mattered I was happy. I was satisfied.

Days, weeks, months went by & each day problems, jealousy, misunderstanding crowded my happiness. Frustration slithered its way into my life. I was not meant to be experiencing such but I was in love I told myself. Anything for the one I love.

Late night conversations, all day messaging, being touched, touching him were like hypnosis for my frustrations. All was instantly ignored. Sadly, never forgotten. Wow. Reminiscing makes me see how cloudy my sky was almost every day. I had moments I guess but nothing I would want to feel now if I was ever given the chance. I tried to be the systems slave. Follow the rules; do as it was told to be done. Love like they cunningly ordered us to. But my beastly tendencies manifested in ways I did not even recognize. He recognized all of it & complained almost all the time. I honestly denied them all. O how sad I feel right now thinking of how I tried to suppress the beast.

Time passed by, I still stayed. He adored me I must admit & loved me maybe much deeper than I imagined. Things got abstruse. Worse. Hysterically impulsive. Heaviness was a daily feeling I felt. We tried to stay away from each other for a while. Decisions that broke me down. I left to another country, I compelled myself into thinking I would forget him; forget us when I was far away from him. In another continent. I consciously lied to myself. I did not.

I felt my life was incomplete. The system forced me to believe that I needed this; I wanted this…this is what I needed. Foolish me. I was frustrated. The distance frustrated me, the decision frustrated me. Life frustrated me. I wanted to be with him. I wanted us to be happy & I wanted a perfect relationship. I can’t even begin to try & make you understand what I went through while I was away. Our arguments killed me… I had no idea what was wrong with me. Was that love? Why the fuck was I hurting so much? Why did I want this so bad? I woke up everyday expecting a message from him. No. expecting doesn’t fit this story. I needed a message from him. I was living in this delusional world which was fucking with me every single day. This relationship was the definition of bi polar. One day all mushy next day hell. My heart was not used to such changes constantly. I felt so unhealthy but I couldn’t leave.

I cried. I cried everyday not only because I was hurting but because I wasn’t used to feeling such heaviness every day of my life. My soul was confused my tear glands expressed my lost & confusion. My family was concerned but I always managed to convince them otherwise. I was a brilliant actress; smiled when I had to, present to all family activities…everything was played out perfectly till I was alone. You’ve no idea how much I cried. Why? I didn’t want to lose this love. This wasn’t love just vigorous slavery. I did not understand.

Things got worse. My body was tired. There’s only so much hurt one body is built for. Ideas of hurting me physically came into the picture. The most stupid thing I could ever think of. I was no more myself I was controlled. Everything was being controlled, all I could do was watch behind the bars & scream for help but I was entrenched. Thankfully, there were a few people I constantly spoke to & I still have no idea why I decided to share my thoughts on hurting myself but gladly they talked me out of it. Their words cleared my sky & my brain started to breathe the air of wisdom. Suddenly, my soul looked at everything that happened from the beginning, it was a fast forwarding moment. My soul saw all this & screamed “no more! You’re not meant for this. You’re much more, there’s so much for you to do, and you cannot be destroyed”.

Franklyn, I believe that was my deliverance. My soul, nature could not watch me destroy myself in such manner. I could no longer be enthralled. It wasn’t easy to get over everything I had gone through but I did & quite hurriedly. It was fascinating to watch how I suddenly felt nothing for someone I almost destroyed myself for. I was so quickly unaware of his existence & that made me realize my inner beast as you would imagine I embraced it immediately.

Till this day I wonder what possessed me, what energy I had absorbed what energy my body was breathing out. It scares me sometimes maybe it’s the reason why I avoid any form of conversation about this. As I grew I realized that this experience thought me a whole fucking lot. So much I can’t even explain. Not just physically & mentally but spiritually. I accepted that nature allowed this, this was meant to happen for reasons I might not be able to explain. Some have it easy you know? But nature chose malady, torment, laceration… all that; pain. I’m not complaining nature knows best maybe I did need such a drastic circumstance. I gladly accept nature’s ways.

He still cares about me. By his effort I still talk to him. I feel nothing for him. Nothing. I must confess not even a trait for care. His existence is unknown to me. It makes me laugh. Nature works in mysterious ways.

This is everything I could remember. Never opened up to it like this before but I feel nothing but peace. The dark walls are crushed all I see is gold.