You’ve asked for something I would rather avoid speaking on but in life we are meant to break such darkly painted walls in our lives to allow more space for golden gates, this is about to happen now.
I was young age wise & more importantly mentally. I believed I fell in love with a certain male. This male I met through someone, this male I couldn’t stand. Ego enormous as bare land in a desert. I was in love I told myself. “He’s the one” my immature mind told me. I did have feelings for him, till today I wonder if it was just a long lasting infatuation that crowded my mind to the state that it controlled me, controlled my life. We spoke a lot which got my heart. Though I was mentally shackled, intelligence still tickled my fancy. I was an upcoming monster, I knew what I felt for him but I tried to ignore it till this male hit his own realization & bravely confessed his love for me. It took me a while to accept that & I felt I had to confess the same. I did. We were in a relationship. So exciting it felt to be with someone you are in love with, nothing else mattered I was happy. I was satisfied.
Days, weeks, months went by & each day problems, jealousy, misunderstanding crowded my happiness. Frustration slithered its way into my life. I was not meant to be experiencing such but I was in love I told myself. Anything for the one I love.
Late night conversations, all day messaging, being touched, touching him were like hypnosis for my frustrations. All was instantly ignored. Sadly, never forgotten. Wow. Reminiscing makes me see how cloudy my sky was almost every day. I had moments I guess but nothing I would want to feel now if I was ever given the chance. I tried to be the systems slave. Follow the rules; do as it was told to be done. Love like they cunningly ordered us to. But my beastly tendencies manifested in ways I did not even recognize. He recognized all of it & complained almost all the time. I honestly denied them all. O how sad I feel right now thinking of how I tried to suppress the beast.
Time passed by, I still stayed. He adored me I must admit & loved me maybe much deeper than I imagined. Things got abstruse. Worse. Hysterically impulsive. Heaviness was a daily feeling I felt. We tried to stay away from each other for a while. Decisions that broke me down. I left to another country, I compelled myself into thinking I would forget him; forget us when I was far away from him. In another continent. I consciously lied to myself. I did not.
I felt my life was incomplete. The system forced me to believe that I needed this; I wanted this…this is what I needed. Foolish me. I was frustrated. The distance frustrated me, the decision frustrated me. Life frustrated me. I wanted to be with him. I wanted us to be happy & I wanted a perfect relationship. I can’t even begin to try & make you understand what I went through while I was away. Our arguments killed me… I had no idea what was wrong with me. Was that love? Why the fuck was I hurting so much? Why did I want this so bad? I woke up everyday expecting a message from him. No. expecting doesn’t fit this story. I needed a message from him. I was living in this delusional world which was fucking with me every single day. This relationship was the definition of bi polar. One day all mushy next day hell. My heart was not used to such changes constantly. I felt so unhealthy but I couldn’t leave.
I cried. I cried everyday not only because I was hurting but because I wasn’t used to feeling such heaviness every day of my life. My soul was confused my tear glands expressed my lost & confusion. My family was concerned but I always managed to convince them otherwise. I was a brilliant actress; smiled when I had to, present to all family activities…everything was played out perfectly till I was alone. You’ve no idea how much I cried. Why? I didn’t want to lose this love. This wasn’t love just vigorous slavery. I did not understand.
Things got worse. My body was tired. There’s only so much hurt one body is built for. Ideas of hurting me physically came into the picture. The most stupid thing I could ever think of. I was no more myself I was controlled. Everything was being controlled, all I could do was watch behind the bars & scream for help but I was entrenched. Thankfully, there were a few people I constantly spoke to & I still have no idea why I decided to share my thoughts on hurting myself but gladly they talked me out of it. Their words cleared my sky & my brain started to breathe the air of wisdom. Suddenly, my soul looked at everything that happened from the beginning, it was a fast forwarding moment. My soul saw all this & screamed “no more! You’re not meant for this. You’re much more, there’s so much for you to do, and you cannot be destroyed”.
Franklyn, I believe that was my deliverance. My soul, nature could not watch me destroy myself in such manner. I could no longer be enthralled. It wasn’t easy to get over everything I had gone through but I did & quite hurriedly. It was fascinating to watch how I suddenly felt nothing for someone I almost destroyed myself for. I was so quickly unaware of his existence & that made me realize my inner beast as you would imagine I embraced it immediately.
Till this day I wonder what possessed me, what energy I had absorbed what energy my body was breathing out. It scares me sometimes maybe it’s the reason why I avoid any form of conversation about this. As I grew I realized that this experience thought me a whole fucking lot. So much I can’t even explain. Not just physically & mentally but spiritually. I accepted that nature allowed this, this was meant to happen for reasons I might not be able to explain. Some have it easy you know? But nature chose malady, torment, laceration… all that; pain. I’m not complaining nature knows best maybe I did need such a drastic circumstance. I gladly accept nature’s ways.
He still cares about me. By his effort I still talk to him. I feel nothing for him. Nothing. I must confess not even a trait for care. His existence is unknown to me. It makes me laugh. Nature works in mysterious ways.
This is everything I could remember. Never opened up to it like this before but I feel nothing but peace. The dark walls are crushed all I see is gold.
