Expired.

The appealing look of this male gave me awareness of his existence. We were both aware from a distance. Soon distance became quite a visible sight & we began to acquire depth of knowledge through conversations.

All this was quite fascinating to me because there was a long period of "drought" in my life. There was no one to engage with & have a full packaged conversation, experiencing the aftermath of fortification. It was the exchange of relevant information that captured my mind. He could listen to me rumble for hours on my thoughts on the world, life...everything.

Books I took from him & books he took from me.

Communicating with this specific someone became a daily routine & we never became weary.

The more words were exchanged the more I became aware of how his ego was bigger than his brain. Ego was practically oozing out of his every word, gesture... his whole entire existence. Naturally, I was intrigued. A sad fact came into light too, yes he was intelligent, he read, proper conjugating of sentences... all of that.

But it's one thing to know a lot & another to actively express all you know in your life style.

I ignored that little blotch. (I shouldn't have).

I was totally focused on his ego. Captivated I was.

A hunter is always pleased when a specific prey is caught. Conquering is a hunter's job. No matter how dangerous the prey might be. Conquering unexpectedly is what I do. Out of nowhere I'm in your system no match for any of your blood cells. Every word of mine you consume you cannot forget. The lust leads my prey right to the spot marked "X".

It happened.

No denying the physical attraction that lingered.

Did he satisfy your lustful needs?

No.

I was not moved. I was not excited. I was basically disgusted.

This when I move to the issue of; nigga's talking the talk but not performing according to their verbal declarations.

From his enormous sized ego I thought he would surprise me. Surprise my body. Fascinate me with ridiculous passion.

His little ass penis just popped my balloon of hope. I don't judge his penis but his game. Lame is an understatement.

I wouldn't be particularly hush if his soul wasn't just fed with ego.

Suddenly, that little blotch I ignored? Caused me to be excessively irritable.

I had plans for him. A slave I was willing to assign him to be.

Failure oozed everywhere.

I R.I.P'D him.

Evaluation proved that there was nothing to lose.

It was sad to realize he lived on the praises hoes offered him. He was content. It's really sad.

Deep down I know he knows the truth but for most, the truth is hard to embrace so you choose the easier road; Deception. You master in the art of delusional living.

Do you ever regret this journey you made?

I guess not. Everything happens for a particular reason.

It was quite weird how I was suddenly involved with him. I was aware of his existence before any interaction so was he of mine.

I'm assuming this was a journey planned by nature. I believe I was some sort of witness. Witnessing how fuckery was dominant in this world we live in.

Something I would someday write on or share.

I'm just glad my children shall be entertained by all these awesome experiences & most importantly, learn more than a thing or two.

Brilliance.

A moment I've always wanted to relive.

Amen.

..."A friend became...Love of my life..."

"The world was younger and we knew

We couldn't rush".

Part II.

“What is sex to you?"

Sex. Sex is sex to me. It's just a basic activity. Nothing more to it.

I feel like most people take sex or put sex on a specific pedestal which is just confusing to me because sex is just ordinary. Sex only becomes more when an individual decides to make it more & that only involves a lot.

People try to have a deeper meaning & understanding of sex & I'm always wondering why such a big deal is made out of something so un peculiar. Why don't you use all that enthusiasm for more important things use all that energy to seek more relevant knowledge & have deeper meanings for deeper subject matters?

Don't be fooled by the doppelganger.

I'm not saying everyone must have sex because it means nothing, I'm saying the opposite. Everyone should calm the fuck down. If you don't want to, that's fine. If you want to, that's fine.

It's your decision but it's not that big of an issue.

For ME, it becomes something more when specific energies are involved. When that happens it's a totally different experience. It's all about the individuals who are involved in this activity.

This could either be "I'm gaining what I want & I'm done" or "I'm gaining much more than what's happening".

I mean sex could mean something to one individual & be totally meaningless to the other. I've had sex which has been basically initiated by lust & I get what I want & I'm chill but the nigga might have different opinions to what happened & this whole process might mean much more to him than it is to me. It's both parties or just one party.

Passion, extraordinary experiences I believe comes from our energies. Clashing of energies could produce something so magnificent. Experience is the only way to assimilate this.

This is what I think, this is what I know. This is my understanding. I base my understanding on my knowledge, experiences & findings.

But this is it though. Find your own understanding; everyone is different in their wants & needs & whole existence. This should be about you & what you figured out not what the system requires you to believe. That just leads to disarray & complete lost of true self.

Yes the system does that to you.

"The best sex ever experienced?"

This took me a while to answer because I've had some pretty good ass sex but I think I'm yet to experience the best sex ever. I know that is going to be with an exceptionally beautiful lover. I'm always envisioning better & more perfection. & when I say "perfection" I mean beautiful flaws creating perfected moments. I don't want everything easy or exactly as I would know it would be. I prefer challenges that have outstanding results.

I've had beautiful sex... beautiful sexual experiences but I'm always hungry for more & my hunger is going to lead me to a world of ridiculously exquisite experiences & it's not going to be just sex anymore it's going to be a story. I'm going to be monuments in lives. I'm established in some lives already. All the best to victims.

So I can't say I've had "the best ever". I'm young! I've so much living & existing to do. So much conquering. I've had brilliant experiences but there's so much more. So much deeper involvements.

Wow. Thoughts of all that would happen, all experiences... all that makes my soul leap in exhilaration. It's intoxicating.

Don't let your soul be consumed in trepidation. Set if free. Be wild. Take chances. Give yourself that faith, reliance...dependence.

I'm the pattern to create nature's superlative design.

Dark Fairytale.

You’ve asked for something I would rather avoid speaking on but in life we are meant to break such darkly painted walls in our lives to allow more space for golden gates, this is about to happen now.

I was young age wise & more importantly mentally. I believed I fell in love with a certain male. This male I met through someone, this male I couldn’t stand. Ego enormous as bare land in a desert. I was in love I told myself. “He’s the one” my immature mind told me. I did have feelings for him, till today I wonder if it was just a long lasting infatuation that crowded my mind to the state that it controlled me, controlled my life. We spoke a lot which got my heart. Though I was mentally shackled, intelligence still tickled my fancy. I was an upcoming monster, I knew what I felt for him but I tried to ignore it till this male hit his own realization & bravely confessed his love for me. It took me a while to accept that & I felt I had to confess the same. I did. We were in a relationship. So exciting it felt to be with someone you are in love with, nothing else mattered I was happy. I was satisfied.

Days, weeks, months went by & each day problems, jealousy, misunderstanding crowded my happiness. Frustration slithered its way into my life. I was not meant to be experiencing such but I was in love I told myself. Anything for the one I love.

Late night conversations, all day messaging, being touched, touching him were like hypnosis for my frustrations. All was instantly ignored. Sadly, never forgotten. Wow. Reminiscing makes me see how cloudy my sky was almost every day. I had moments I guess but nothing I would want to feel now if I was ever given the chance. I tried to be the systems slave. Follow the rules; do as it was told to be done. Love like they cunningly ordered us to. But my beastly tendencies manifested in ways I did not even recognize. He recognized all of it & complained almost all the time. I honestly denied them all. O how sad I feel right now thinking of how I tried to suppress the beast.

Time passed by, I still stayed. He adored me I must admit & loved me maybe much deeper than I imagined. Things got abstruse. Worse. Hysterically impulsive. Heaviness was a daily feeling I felt. We tried to stay away from each other for a while. Decisions that broke me down. I left to another country, I compelled myself into thinking I would forget him; forget us when I was far away from him. In another continent. I consciously lied to myself. I did not.

I felt my life was incomplete. The system forced me to believe that I needed this; I wanted this…this is what I needed. Foolish me. I was frustrated. The distance frustrated me, the decision frustrated me. Life frustrated me. I wanted to be with him. I wanted us to be happy & I wanted a perfect relationship. I can’t even begin to try & make you understand what I went through while I was away. Our arguments killed me… I had no idea what was wrong with me. Was that love? Why the fuck was I hurting so much? Why did I want this so bad? I woke up everyday expecting a message from him. No. expecting doesn’t fit this story. I needed a message from him. I was living in this delusional world which was fucking with me every single day. This relationship was the definition of bi polar. One day all mushy next day hell. My heart was not used to such changes constantly. I felt so unhealthy but I couldn’t leave.

I cried. I cried everyday not only because I was hurting but because I wasn’t used to feeling such heaviness every day of my life. My soul was confused my tear glands expressed my lost & confusion. My family was concerned but I always managed to convince them otherwise. I was a brilliant actress; smiled when I had to, present to all family activities…everything was played out perfectly till I was alone. You’ve no idea how much I cried. Why? I didn’t want to lose this love. This wasn’t love just vigorous slavery. I did not understand.

Things got worse. My body was tired. There’s only so much hurt one body is built for. Ideas of hurting me physically came into the picture. The most stupid thing I could ever think of. I was no more myself I was controlled. Everything was being controlled, all I could do was watch behind the bars & scream for help but I was entrenched. Thankfully, there were a few people I constantly spoke to & I still have no idea why I decided to share my thoughts on hurting myself but gladly they talked me out of it. Their words cleared my sky & my brain started to breathe the air of wisdom. Suddenly, my soul looked at everything that happened from the beginning, it was a fast forwarding moment. My soul saw all this & screamed “no more! You’re not meant for this. You’re much more, there’s so much for you to do, and you cannot be destroyed”.

Franklyn, I believe that was my deliverance. My soul, nature could not watch me destroy myself in such manner. I could no longer be enthralled. It wasn’t easy to get over everything I had gone through but I did & quite hurriedly. It was fascinating to watch how I suddenly felt nothing for someone I almost destroyed myself for. I was so quickly unaware of his existence & that made me realize my inner beast as you would imagine I embraced it immediately.

Till this day I wonder what possessed me, what energy I had absorbed what energy my body was breathing out. It scares me sometimes maybe it’s the reason why I avoid any form of conversation about this. As I grew I realized that this experience thought me a whole fucking lot. So much I can’t even explain. Not just physically & mentally but spiritually. I accepted that nature allowed this, this was meant to happen for reasons I might not be able to explain. Some have it easy you know? But nature chose malady, torment, laceration… all that; pain. I’m not complaining nature knows best maybe I did need such a drastic circumstance. I gladly accept nature’s ways.

He still cares about me. By his effort I still talk to him. I feel nothing for him. Nothing. I must confess not even a trait for care. His existence is unknown to me. It makes me laugh. Nature works in mysterious ways.

This is everything I could remember. Never opened up to it like this before but I feel nothing but peace. The dark walls are crushed all I see is gold.

What beautiful music.

Searching.

Things I knew but today I said out loud. Having a verbal conversation with my brain was the most exhilarating activity I had today.

"What would you say you are?"

- I'm a master piece. A creation not just of any sort but of high intelligence. Being human as everyone would say is just recognition for me. It's much more than that. Being human is like a classification. Since there are more things that were created. Everything needs to be classified as some sort. But in reality we are much more than what the objective thinkers would say. It's about our soul... our mind... Your thoughts.. What makes me such a divine creation? This is what defines me. My knowledge, my thirst for knowledge & my growth using everything my brain accumulates. I'm beyond what the natural eye can identify. I'm in control. I'm not what the system tells me to be. I'm more than the system can handle.. I've agreed to the fact that I'm going to forever be an enemy to the system. All information.. All beauty that's hidden is what interests me...what my brain seeks for. I don't want defined capabilities.. I want never ending visions. Never ending inspiration. I don't want to be defined in a limited manner as the system does. I want more. More is never ending. I'm a specific science researched by the system. Finders of this science were never recognized just shut down 'cos the relevance of us is beyond the control of these mind sucking system worshipers. We could change the world. Bring to light freedom but freedom is a sin for them. Their chains are painted as freedom. But freedom can not be limited. It can't be just a square shaped box that one must learn to accustom to. No. It's cunning slavery. Brain washing. So.. You might ask "who are you". For recognition.. Your natural eyes will identify me as human. By observation one can conclude as "weird" science.

"What is most important to you?"

- Happiness. As shallow as that may sound to some.

My soul at peace. Peace will ensure my happiness. My soul....my soul is me. It's what lives. My body is just..A body. My soul is what I love for. How silly that sounds right? It's what I am. It's what I feed. It's what I take care of. It's what defines me.

The hunger for growth, for knowledge, for the unknown is what makes me what I am.

It's constant depth observation of things & as what it seems but what it might not seem to be. Everything that seems might be an illusion created by the ones who tend to control this world of today. I want to see beyond the blur, beyond the lines.. beyond the accustomed rules & conventions. My soul thirsts for the unknown. The unknown who is hidden from the ordinary man is what it feeds on. Findings of it's very unknown..An answer to its very unknown satisfies this hungry beast. Puts it at peace. My soul is me. My brain & my soul are more than acquaintances. Two individuals that work with each other to create such a healthy being. For me, my soul is everywhere no specific location. Once in a while I believe my soul departs for a split moment, goes on escapades just to feed on the energy of the universe as intensely long as that may sound it's quite an awesomely quick moment. . Some sort of rejuvenating exercise I believe. Fundamental nutrients are gained which strengthens my growth. I do not complain. Knowing what makes me..What’s around me...essential necessities hidden from us suddenly found makes the entire me happy as fuck. Peace.

You might not be able to comprehend till you find your peace. Your inner happiness. Your soul must be satisfied but still on the quest for more.

Never ending visions. Never ending inspirations. Never ending me.

As I continue to follow the path of peace & happiness..My healthy soul continues to brighten all dark roads. The lantern of my world.

I want to paint my thoughts. Beautiful portrait. Touch my self to that Art. Stalk my brain & fuck it.

Another day.

I'm living three times at once.

Merrily Jane.

The only time I fell in love with a girl. Only time I want to feel a girl.

Her intoxication suffocates me but I don't die. I inflame. I become those tender curved lines I see as I release the fragrance, the fragrance I never want to forget.

Colour I see in this old grey world.

Wait. Maybe you don't understand...she's a lover. Touching all my senses, opening them, she moves in slowly causing Goosebumps in places I want to see.

She would have me anywhere but best preferred in my presence alone. She enthusiastically turns my abstract thoughts into clarified visions. I'm never reluctant. Who would be?

This passion. Sex to mind. Body to my sex.

She's power.

I'm in control. Her power instilled in me. Bulletproof makes no sense in this ritual.

If I was privileged to find such a nature given fruit, nature must be insanely gorgeous.

Her.

I had an awesome day.

Today, I went to the beach with my friends.

The beach was gorgeous. I know it's just a beach...water...sand..salt...nothing else. But there was so much more. I kept on repeating how beautiful this adventure was, my friend's smiled & agreed with me but I doubt they quite understood how beautiful it was to me.

Nature is BEAUTIFUL. She is amazing. Her vanity I adore. We are all so accustomed to nature we do not appreciate her worth & beauty...her relevance.

All that sand...the rocks...the water with so much salt...the breeze embracing every inch of my body...the sky...the fish that hopped off the rock back into the water. It was wonderful.

So much beauty to be aware of, to admire & to appreciate.

I realized nature is the best thing we could ever have. Every phenomenon spectacular.

I ignored the distractions (dirt etc) & thought how we humans take advantage of the most precious gift we are given.

I love the sky. The clouds always have some sort of story to tell. I always try to understand.

Only if we knew.

How many of us just look? Admire?

How can such beauty be ignored?

Beauty both inner & outer.

Nature blessed me today.

حدد نوع الجنس & نكح

A certain emotional force.

This certain being.

I want. I want everything.

Can I have everything?

You're going to be mine. You've to. I use you for my mirth.

Your force, my force so intense we both quiver. Every single cell in my body absorbs your energy.

My energy makes you weak.

Don't stop. "I need you" is whispered.

No promises but if this is good, we could do it again.

You taste me. I lick me off you.

Sticking all the right places.

I lick. I bite. I kiss. Just touch & experience the outstanding.

We both taste good. This is blessed.

*Intense energy difficult to avoid makes me quiver with utter exuberance.

Literally.

Fast-forwarding.

She always has a lot to say.

Her second self always talking to imaginaries. Maybe one day they would be more than illusions?

Illusionist but teaches reality. Everyone vanished though.

Even the one she cared about. She cared about a lot but free time allows her to zap them into disappearing acts.

Why? She was bored. Voices told her to. She was always ready to experience something new so hesitated not in any of the actions.

All gone. All gone but one.

Interest in a certain one allowed her to tell those voices to shut up. It was time to make a decision independently.

She hid that one from them. Completely opaque looking bubble, she wanted no unwanted stares. She knew once they knew, the idea of Tired came to mind. They would possess her into doing what she always ends up doing.

She enjoyed the unconscious relaxation she felt just by the warmth thoughts.

Warmth turned to wet.

Till they cleared their visions they looked through. Possessed her. Mirth controlled her. Puppet by illusion.

She fell through. The one had a sense of departure approaching.

Pulled her by the strings & she created another bubble.

Away from her own self.

Occurrence of future events will determine written words.

Elevation.

The Q-Tip Fever.

Disease of the Dream & Reality.

In my dream... As thoughts fight with each other & reach a conclusion;

So. I thought about you....no. I've been thinking about you so I decided to write about you. I think I did already.

Maybe I did like what I got. I'm sure I did. Why else would I be thinking?

They way you tried. The little details. The music.

The Grass.

*Straight face* "Is that all you need me for?"- I laughed.

Maybe. Sort of. Yes.

Because you care about what I think. You already knew what I thought. But so courageous to make me think otherwise.

You felt like a particular knight didn't you?

Your so little, lost self with such a unused brain.

I like it. I use my energy to pick it up & feed on it.

You like it.

The brilliance in my appetite.

The brilliance in the Art.

*Pause*. The repeated fragrance I knew for a couple of days continuously.

Awakened...

I still want this lost treasured soul.

I might just allow the value to glisten.

The Queen & Spy Princess. Epicness.

As Maniac played...

S.P: *Hug*. I know, I'm so psyched about that no lie. But waiting for something that you really want & almost getting it... then *BAM*. I don't....it kinda sucks you know.

Q: Yeah baby... I know. Hopefully it will all work out... Just please drive safely while getting that head.

S.P: Amen. Amen. For sure. I wanna test my capability of handling intense pleasure & balancing it with concentration. O damn. I'm a fool.

Q: Said the mad scientist.

S.P: I love you.

A few more.

I Want to marry a god.

A god. A god of all gods.

I want my children to be powerful. Half mighty & half thinking they are mighty.

They will take over the world. Kill who they please. (Evil obviously). But, what is evil? They might be evil.

I want a god. god of all gods. Sex, music, art.

I didn't say money or power?

No.

I don't care! I just want a god.

He's gonna be there. I might love him. I might not. But I will still marry a god.

My children will be gods too. They are gonna love this god.

This god is gonna give me wings. I will fly away whenever I need to but I will still have a god.

Infatuation maybe? Desire?

Hey, future god...

I know I want you.

You will want me too.

Let's be happy.

Make me happy dear god.

I'm waiting. Patiently with my flaws but flawless love.

When I'm ready you'll come get me right?

& I will marry a god.

Me.

The story : The Zombie.

I never liked him. Simply put & most sincerely said. For months. That existence was a bore. An asshole he is I always taught. Not even his face could change my mind.

O wait. Isn’t that me? Smiling. Chilling. Burning trees. With that asshole?

Yeah. I'm bored. But most importantly, I'm hungry. I want that brain. I want stimulation. Can I explore his mind? How deep is it? I want to calculate that depth.

But wait.

In his mind, all he wants is the box. No. The being he wants too. But the box he KNOWS he will get.

He did get the box & I got his soul. Let's weigh that shall we?

I expected different but my sin overcame more.

Addiction. I am the addiction now.

My face, my smile... my energy.

But I took his energy. Not his inadequacy. I keep taking that life don't call me a murderer I'm just constantly hungry.

Is that a smile I see? Concern? Care? He wants to hold me? You want me now? All hours?

I said nothing & I slept.

What am I listening to now? Here's a few.

I just got the most positive message anybody who's trying to voice out their thoughts could ever receive.

Sometimes, I feel when I write or exploit my thoughts; I am the only one I connect with. It's not depressing but just rather sad that most people would judge without understanding a different concept of life.

This life motivated me to create my own world. I live That life. The open life. I believe hiding your true identity & ways from the world will eventually kill you... slowly. I was dying in my own self a few years ago, believing the stereotypical ways of Humans.

So much time was needed for me to understand The Self & accept The Self.

Accepting was one of the best things I could ever do for myself.

Accepting, not only the rights but the wrongs too. By accepting I corrected what had to be corrected & appreciated, loved & worked with what I was given.

Knowing that all that progress is observed & appreciated by people not just people that love me but by strangers, causes a warm sensation in my heart & a smile on my face.

I really am grateful to everyone who appreciates & loves what I do.

Peace & many Blessings.

Complexity.

Darkness, on a comfortable surface... But that's most lonely..
That alone feeling... Everything is right but it feels empty?
Breathe...
Waking up the next morning & not wanting to reminisce about the other night.
Feeling like I shouldn't have.
But I always do.
I want more life, more energy.
I want more.
The dark room.
That dark place.
Bring love.
Bring pain.
Bring drugs.
Bring music.
Bring. Me.
Bring beauty.
Bring art.
Bring sex.

Open my heart. I'm not trusting you.
But you can take me away.
Let us not make any sense. Let us scribble. Let us kill. Let blood drip.


It's not okay.

Him..... What?... Mary.

"The depth makes me smile
Makes me wonder what is this?
How could you feel so good".

Keep Watching Me.

Everyone has a means of expressing what they think, what they feel, what they want... everything.

I express myself through art & through everything I love. It's not quite hard to spot some things I really love. Whatever I do, I am proud of.

My life or my means of expression MIGHT not be the best way for some of you.

-Watch.

-You like? You don't?

-Continue to enjoy what you see. Or. Shut up & walk away.

The steps above are there to help individuals to get a grip of themselves.

Your opinions or views are YOURS. Mine are MINE.

No restriction of my intelligence & artistic nature.

You don't know. Some day you will.... maybe.

If you're lucky.

I'm a lover. I love.

I really love.

I am sorry if that's hard for some of you to understand.

Maybe one day you will.

DAMN.

Shit is quite complicated... every nerve in my body was fucked.

I just didn't understand how she got me so agitated...

"That's not how you communicate with your daughter!" I spat those words in her face.

Shit IS complicated. It shouldn't be.

She cried as I spoke. "NO! This is not going to be my fault" I screamed in my head.

She should have spoken to me. Asked. She should have listened.

We should have talked. Like mother & daughter.

I shouldn't be pushed in that manner. I called her crazy. But, she was...at that specific moment I felt like I was fighting a stranger.

Or am I the stranger? To her...?

I feel like I am... she doesn't recognize me anymore.

I understand. I am not that girl. The girl I was before.

My total independence has affected my life greatly & maybe a tad bit faster than usual.

Wait. This is the way it should be. Maybe she's a tad bit slow?

I know she will never understand until she allows herself to. Until she stops talking & allows me to. Until she realizes... I have always known a little too much. I will always move a little too fast. I will always learn a lot.

She can't save me from the world. I can't survive with her.

I'm in this alone.

I love her. I know she loves me too.

But.

I don't think we will ever be the same.

Him? What? ... Mary...

My high.
The fire that burns so slowly & beautifully
As the smoke fills the room
& that beautiful music plays
I know at that moment I'm getting it
Getting you...
Make me wet...make me weak..keep me in your bed...keep me safe
I put you in my mouth...
Inhale you slowly...
Tasting you...
Smiling as I love what I taste
You make me smile
You make me happy
I love you
It took a while...I sincerely love you
Exhale... Quite difficult, I want you in
So deep...the depth makes me smile
Makes me wonder what is this?
How could you feel so good
As you slowly come out
I sigh* & stare at you
I still feel you in me
I don't want to let you out... No don't go...
My love, let's start all over again.

What...?

Is it the perfection?
The imperfection?
What drives me this way?
I'm no more sensible
All I want is this foolish feeling all over again
I smile... All I can think about is your body & mine making magic
Magic that will make you crazy for me
I'm crazy
I want this crazy
I crave this crazy
True feelings...that's all I can express
Nothing too extravagant
I know how you feel
I feel the same way too
I don't need rhyming words to let you know
I scold myself to get a grip of myself
But why?
Why would I want to?
How many times does something so right feel so...right?
Make me yours
Be selfish
Do not share me
I made you mine
&
I told the stars.

Colours, Brushes & Magic.